You cannot deny that sport plays a larger and larger role in the world although why escapes me almost entirely. Surely sport is something to be indulged in in moderation, privately, or if forced, before small and hopefully bored audiences? It appears that thanks to the ubiqitous global worldwide satellite visual murdochspherical skysportsnetwork that every kind of human activity which can be vaguely described as sporting is instantly available for our excitement.
Well it is time that we restored some semblance of good taste to the process. So here are my personal top ten tasteful sports which, if absolutely coerced, I will watch from the security and comfort of my armchair with suitable libation to hand.
1] Undoubtedly cricket, preferably a 5-day English County match, with rain interruptions, Lancashire vs Yorkshire by choice, at Old Trafford. What other sport stops for Lunch and Tea? For the sake of those in North America who find cricket a complete mystery I recommend a vintage Test Match, preferably one where England won the Ashes. Only the cleverest nations on the planet can grasp the true importance of cricket and the lessons it taught and still teaches us about Empire. Currently that rules out the Americans.
2] Could well be more cricket but logic demands I chose the almost next best thing, a sport where style, elegance, the improbable management of dumb animals and an ability to defy gravity to the point of suicide are the basic requirements. I speak of course of show jumping. There can be fewer sports which demand more individual skill and determination or which require its participants to wear such stylish uniforms, except possibly dressage.
3] Much as I love the game, Football, or Soccer as it is more correctly known, slides into third place only on the pretext that very, very rarely, it can reach a level of style combined with speed of thought and action that is denied by such inelegant games as Rugby, and that amazingly pointless exercise in confusion, American "Football", which isn't football at all but some kind of military rugby played by padded people wearing helmets! Good Grief, what next?
4] Golf has its place in this pantheon, but it certainly isn't at number 4. That is and should be reserved for the ancient sport of rowing. Given the fact that two equal boats each powered by the same number of human beings of equal strength should achieve equal speeds, it is the style of each crew which determines who wins. Unrivalled as the only participatory sport where crabs are theoretical but disastrous I recommend it to all brave enough to try it.
5] Tennis, more correctly Lawn Tennis, and more specifically Wimbledon. Forget these sweaty competitions played on foreign clay or by garishly begarbed unkempt squeaking foreigners on blue, green, or other coloured indoor or outdoor courts. They may play tennis but they are as unstylish as last year's pop stars. Lawn Tennis, preferably mixed doubles, should be played by civilised people from leafy suburbs dressed in white on lawn courts with nets operated by brass handles and umpired by middle-aged men in white flannels.
I will leave numbers 6] to 10] for another evening, but they will not include Formula 1 Racing, any form of Athletics or other organised drug - taking such as cycling or American Football. They may include fishing, provided I can justify the associated maggot cruelty, surfing, egg-rolling and shooting, who, what and where to be determined. Golf is still in there, although my views on the desirability of turning 98% of golf courses back into poor agricultural land or better still, affordable housing, are well known.
There will of course be those amongst you who will disagree with my choices, my ranking and my justification or the lack of it. To those I would say, tough, this is my bog, sorry blog, and I will decide what I like.
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